Bulge Watch

From times immemorial, there has been a fight, nay war, being waged by mankind against an enemy that is rebellious, resilient, pervasive, persistent and above all one who knows he has a foothold or a way back in and thus can never be fully defeated. 

I am talking about the battle against the bulge, weight wars, fat loss mahasangram or whatever else you may like to call it.

Image credit

The Fat Devil

The strongest minds, the biggest egos have quailed and thrown up their hands before this foe. Of the scores of warriors only few make it through the course of the weight loss battle. These warriors are of course scarred for life with the curse of perpetual resentment and ill-temper. 

Why am I talking about this? Personal axe to grind and venting always helps.

For the longest time, I have been in denial of the existence of the "fat devil" in my life. Folks at home encouraged me to believe that chubby cheeks will always be cute. We Indians even have a fairly flattering term to describe an obese person, we call them ...err...healthy! The polite salesmen at the readymade clothes stores always assured you, "Madamji, yeh style aapko suit nahi hoga, aap healthy ho na, aap yahan aajao," he would say while surreptitiously directing you to the shapeless clothing section.

I am a person who firmly believes in eating to my heart's content and for good measure always completing a meal with a neat dose of sweet treats. At parties and buffet spreads I am renown for first hitting the dessert bar while people are still discussing starters, soups and salads. Ahh, those days of glory and childish delight at the sight of creme brulee, eclair cake, moong dal halwa and patting myself on the back on managing to stow them all in.

I didn't let the tightening of clothes, the panting over stairs or huffing after a short walk deter me. The fat devil egged me on to keep at it, whispering sweet nothings on how this was all a transient phase and I could always get matters back to the starting point, whenever I decided to. The starting point which at this point, I'll have to admit was never really ideal. 

The Great Lockdown

The lockdown was the fat devil's...ding, ding, ding...jackpot! Countless sedentary Netflix hours, culinary skills unleashed, nowhere to go, a match made in hell! There started this tradition of raiding all sorts of treats, nick-nacks, munchies while going through endless episodes of whatever was the most mindless series at that time. It is amazing to note how much snacking happens while you're riveted binge-watching. 

Pretty soon, friendly jibes on how my oval face had transformed to a moon-shaped one and being directed to the plus-sized apparel aisle started gnawing at me. No, I wasn't being fat-shamed, it was just a statement of facts. The weighing scales displayed numbers (which I could barely look at with the great-barrier-paunch in between) that made me gasp in horror. Digressing, what is this about really heavy peeps saying they have heavy bones and that they are actually not heavy? (snigger, snigger)

The Fight begins

A visit to the friendly neighbourhood GP called for immediate action to douse the surging weight. When a likely culprit like thyroid malfunction or anything hormonal was ruled out, I did feel a bit let down. So it was all on me, on what I ate and how much I exercised, sigh!

Never a fan of exercise of any kind, I started looking up ways to vanquish the fat devil, keeping in mind the always-lurking-around-the-corner pandemic! Attempts at online oh-so-exhausting zumba, oh-so-boring yoga and offline oh-so-sad walking, all ended pretty soon. No biggie, I'll just have to start eating healthy. I chowed down salads, fruits, healthy veggies with a vengeance, but the scales continued moving ahead industriously like an autorickshaw meter. 

You know they talk about the body's muscle memory which makes it possible for you to remember skills like swimming or cycling? Take into account the years of constant eating you've put your stomach muscles through, you think those muscles are simply gonna forget that? Loud growls from the said muscles when deprived of their regular workout made it all the more difficult.

The Diet Route

All diet commandments said to cut out the evil white trio  - sugar, salt, refined flour. Honestly, I didn't get too far on that because every meal time now had little or no appeal, I mean is there any point to living in a world deprived of taste?

I once again owe it to my upbringing that hard-wired me to eat only exceedingly tasty food and you have to know that tasty food = calorie-rich/unhealthy and yuck/meh food = healthy. Basically what your tongue and whole being approves of is not what you should be eating...boohoo!

Rujuta Diwekar is a messiah for people like me. She encourages you to eat all things native and tells you your grandma knew best. I like to read all she has to say about this while healthily munching on a peanut salad, so much so, I lose track of how many bowls I have refilled. Oh-oh, healthy eating is all about portion size, I realize! Tell that to the over-expanded bowel which doesn't comprehend that the meal it thinks is a starter is the main course and throw in the punch to the solar plexus that there ain't no dessert coming!

So, after many failed and half-hearted attempts, I went seeking a proper dietician. The dietician was rather sympathetic I thought as she took in my history of munching and crazy cravings in her stride. She dashed off a 15 day diet plan which was low in carbs, high on protein, of course sugar free and that included no fruits either, insisted on daily workouts, glugging apple cider vinegar water, to munch on salads to curb cravings, while I contemplated the deep meaning of, "doomed to fail"! 

The Realization

A slow realization had begun to dawn,

"What takes absolutely no effort or time and lots of pleasure building up, takes terrifying loads of effort, sweat and tears and infinite time to break down."

After pursuing different ways to beat the fat devil, I've decided to concede defeat or a truce I'd like to say. I let him take over whenever the urge is too strong instead of fighting him. I read somewhere that when you eat anything with the mindset of, "whatever I am eating will make me healthier" then that food will not go against you. This way, we are both happy! 

If everyone in this world was slim and trim where would be the fun in that? Hear that all you size S, XS, XXS's ? You are happy with way you look because of the multitude L, Xl, XXL's around you!

Coming to the bulge, oh, it's all in the mind! Free-flowing lines in your clothing are the way to flatter the curves! And come on, there are selfie features for face-slimming anyway, no worries, huh?!! There comes a certain kind of brash confidence being of matronly proportions that works wonders while haggling at street shopping, so a win there too! 

Lastly, never forget this, the rounder you are, the more cheerful you are and the leaner you get, the meaner you get! 

Cheers!

You could read some more of my food-ravings here: Click on tag/label #FoodRave

1) Common-place Curd-Rice
2) Ghar ki murgi daal barabar?
3) Sweet Temptations
4) Athithi Devo Bhavah, anybody?
5) Kaapi-Ready
6) Idli Seria Vanduda
7) Sweet Betrayals 

8) Bulge Watch

****************

Copyright © 2022 KALA RAVI

YOU, YES YOU....I MEAN YOU ONLY!

 

Image source: Pixabay

I have the strangest of triggers to self-demolition. Imagine a police station with a row of crime suspects and you and I are a part of the audience. If the inspector in-charge were to menacingly question, "I give you one minute to tell me, which one of you did it. I'll find out one way or other, come on now, own up, who did it? You, or is it you...or you, yes you?" You'll be very surprised to see none of the suspects respond but there'll be one hand meekly raised in the audience - that would be me! Some habits don't die so easily! 

What can I say? It's years of conditioning. Surviving the Guilty-As-Charged complex (well, I just made that one up but who knows, it may be an established one!)

Flashback to school times. I vividly remember sitting attentively in the biology lectures of John sir. John sir was a fantastic teacher, hugely famous for his effective, result-oriented teaching techniques. His favourite quirk was to spend a considerable amount of time sketching complicated detailed diagrams on the board. While the students attempted to copy and transfer the same onto their notebooks, he would suddenly swivel, gaze across the melee, take quick aim and fling the chalk in his hand with missile accuracy at the unfortunate inattentive or talkative student. Such regular missiles, ensured pin-drop silence even when he had his back turned to us. During lectures, he followed another practice. He would explain a topic from botany or zoology, all the time his eyes boring right through the back of all our heads and we dared not look elsewhere. But that wasn't enough for him. He would stop mid-sentence and freeze his gaze on the victim-of-the-day and slowly drawl, "You, yes you...I mean YOU only!" Time moved in slow-motion as the victim fumbled and stood bewilderedly. The professor then proceeded to pop quiz and grill the student on what he'd just been teaching and more often than not the student either had no answers or the wrong answers. Once you'd been caught blanking, the action that followed was mild but the technique was so effective that no further action was needed! Somehow, unerringly John sir knew, who understood what was being taught and who didn't! 

Yours truly, was one of his favourite victims who never failed to amuse the class. It was a standing joke and bets were placed on whether or not I'd be targeted that day. I diligently studied for his lectures and tried to stay as prepared as I could. I even managed to respond correctly to his trajectories but those occasions were few. He somehow seemed to know what I didn't know and focused on choosing those topics. I did try putting on my most innocent, sincere face but guess it wasn't very convincing.

Fast forward to college, the exact same scenario continued with more than one professor, I always managed to attract their attention despite sitting absolutely still and attentive, at least appearance wise. I went to the extent of hiding behind backs and keeping my head down, still no luck! Friends recommended I try something new - look them in the eye and glare, no backing down. That earned me a good, "Get out of the class and stay out for the rest of the term," sentence! So much for not taking it lying down!

With time, my talent has aged gracefully. I no longer blush, flush or fumble, neither quake nor crumble when I am singled out, I am just resigned to the fact that this particular talent of mine could be what saves the skins of so many who might quail, quiver and or have a meltdown at the prospect. To all those miscreants who think they've been successfully getting away, just remember the silent sacrifice of scapegoats like me! I haven't taken a jaded view of life or been beaten by the fact that I am singled out or subject to perusals. I've accepted it as my share of the weird things in life (you do know that every human is allotted some weird stuff during the course of his life on earth) and I am just thankful my lot is being in the err...spotlight...for whatever reasons or outcome, self-preservation and indignation be damned! All the same, it would be whole lot more satisfying to have actually done something worth the indictment!

With years of practice, this talent has blossomed to a new level. No longer restricted to the confines of packed classrooms or offices, it has spread its wings...I now regularly catch the attention of traffic police. They appear on never before seen junctures and turnings, popping out of the blue to hand me the challan for flouting the lamest of rules, while I sit primly seat-belted with eyes riveted on the road. All around me cars whizz about at 120 kmph, trucks leave behind thick tufts of black smoke, bikers on rampage like they are on the MotoGP, but who cares about all that when you have your regular solid customer?! I am almost certain they have my mug-shot on some kind of facial recognition scanner that they've fixed God knows where or probably there is a tracking device of some sort that alerts them, "DAILY QUOTA ON THE ROAD"!! So attuned am I to these crackdowns that as soon as I see a traffic cop, my steering wheel gravitates towards him, ready to cough up my mandatory obeisance! He greets me with a friendly welcoming smile, makes polite conversation and transactions proceed smoothly and we wave goodbye, till the next time.

For years, I have pondered this. It is extremely fascinating, don't you think? How does this work? What are the odds of the same person in a crowd being picked out at various instances over several years? Is it plain simple bad luck? Do I have a suspicious, guilty face with shifty eyes or do I have an extremely vacant, inattentive mind-is-wandering look? Maybe I look pretty annoying or just that I look permanently doubtful? Or it could just be Charisma, you know! Whatever it is, I've given into it and always assume when somebody calls out, "You, yes you...I mean YOU only", it obviously means ME only!

****************

Copyright © 2021 KALA RAVI

Mot Juste

The English language has the propensity of bestowing us with a mot juste - appropriate vocabulary to address every contingency. Society demands certain norms of verbal etiquette and politeness even under duress. 

There are scores of words out there that you can happily use when matters are hunky-dory. But when the going gets tough, you've got to think on your feet. Putting out harsh words can ruin all and any good you've done.

Thankfully, you can use the right words to express yourself while toning down the embarrassment, animosity or unpleasantness factor in subtle ways deigned to convey, at least to a certain extent, the depth of feelings behind them...hopefully without ruffling feathers. 

Of course you don't want to go malaprop, so read up, and instead of being the usual mute bystander, pull out those polite word guns and go all Tharoorish on the opposite party. 

Here is a short compilation of words, some from old English, that can come to your aid as they come close to expressing, "the moment" or "the feeling", in a more refined way.

1. Disaster at hand can be construed as an Adversity.
2. You can condone a scatterbrained person as just being Ambiguous or Vague.
3. A tyrant can be depicted in nobler light by calling him Authoritarian. 
4. Brainstorming is a wonderful word when you are engaged in of hours of fruitless discussion.
5. The terribly talkative or a loudmouthed can be benignly extolled for being Boisterous, Loquacious or simply Spirited.
6. If you are asked to elaborate on particularly boring, pointless and endless conversations or discussions - Circumlocutory and Obfuscate can be very helpful. 
7. Calling something Contrived is better than it being hypocritical.
8. Faced with a Conundrum or a Dilemma? You'll be better appreciated for it than bluntly stating that you are confused.
9. A maddening behaviour, touted as Disturbing, well, can be less disturbing.
10. Egregious will do well to fashionably dismiss B grade movies, books, meetings...yawn, whatever else.
11. Enigmatic and Esoteric are extremely valuable words to intelligently put what is beyond your comprehension.
12. Half-baked and Imprudent definitely sound better than ridiculous.
13. A particularly bizarre and impractical proposition can be congratulated as being Ingenious yet a tad too Futuristic for implementation.
14. You can romanticize cunning and devious behaviour as Machiavellian.
15. Somebody's performance being Limited may sound less brutal than disappointing.
16. A miserly person may be benevolently ascribed to being Parsimonious.
17. Pedantic can be a delightful substitute for OCD.
18. Ruminating on matters that are at an impasse can be a proactive expression to use instead of a simple WIP or even worse, saying you're getting nowhere.
19. Describing someone as one who enjoys Soliloquy is way better than calling him a conversational narcissist.
20. Tenacious can be a rather flattering way of alluding to cut-throat competition.
21. Sharing a less than cordial or a Tenuous relation with someone may sound better than a bitter rival.
22. Trite or Pedestrian can be gentle way to put down a dull idea.
23. Precocious, which sounds very close to precious, is a perfect description when you have to compliment parents of know-it-all kids/brats.
24. A low-budget, less than comfortable stay can be justified as being Spartan or even Austere.
25. An aggressive individual can be delicately referred to as being of Volatile temperament.

****************

Well, I'll keep adding to this list as I come up with more jargon to bail you out of tight situations. Meanwhile, all you folks reading this, chew the bullet, stay safe at home and keep calm till the pandemic outside blows over...which seems to be interminably extending to an eternity.😢😢😷

If you enjoyed this post, you might want to have a look at: 

Tips for the Conversationally Averse

Copyright © 2021 KALA RAVI

A Diwali Lament

 

A Diwali Lament

I waited in vain for little hands to pounce and pry,

to open the carton and feast their eyes on me. 

To see their eyes light up in wonder and amazement,

as I burst into a dazzling display of light and color. 

I, who proclaimed jubilantly, 

the victory of good over evil, year upon year,

I, the symbolic harbinger of prosperity and abundance,

Lie accused, forgotten and discarded.

Pointing fingers of environmental degradation,

Laugh away, those big daddies of everyday pollution.

I am just another age-old custom,

Waiting to join Holi and others,

onto the burning pyre of dying Hindu festivals.

Copyright © 2020 KALA RAVI

#CrackerBan #RIPDiwali #RelaxNRave